Journal

29 May 2017

As I write this I am on a train heading to Saint Jean Pied de Port where Stephen and I will begin healing the ancient pilgrimage route, the way to Saint James in Santiago de Compostela.  I expect this journey to be physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging. 

Stephen and I have prepared physically for this journey and we have spoken about the emotional/mental and spiritual aspects of the trip. I think we are as ready as we will ever be understanding that I know we are not totally ready. I tried to pack well but I know we am carrying too much. We will simply have to make adjustments as we go. Such is life. 

Spiritually, I have begun reflecting on the Psalms and as I wrote earlier, have so far made it to the third word, "man".

So far I have considered "blessed" and "is". I have been thinking a great deal about the word "man" since then. I wrote a short entry about a year ago on the manliness of mercy. But, as I reflect on "man" today I don't consider man as in the masculine but man as in being a human.  

I am a man, a human, created in the image and likeness of God. I am reminded of an image that came to me in prayer some time ago when I was making an Ignatian directed retreat. The image was that of me rising up out of the mud in the Garden of Eden. I remember wiping away the mud from my eyelids amid the splendor of the Garden. As I wiped the mud away I saw my Creator looking at me with a wide, gentle, loving smile from ear to ear. He face was one of pure joy and love as he delighted in my creation. "Beloved child" is all that needed to be said as I stood there joyfully immersed in love. I simply basked in the awe and wonder of it all. 

This is the seat of my true identity as a man; to know that I am loved, created by a loving Creator who delights in my presence and I delight in His. 

As I write this, on a train between Paris and Bayonne with windmills and vast green pastures whizzing by I gaze upon my son, asleep in the seat next to me. I am fully of joy and delight as I bask in his presence. I notice the patch of eczema on each of his eyelids as he sleeps. I want to wipe it away, to heal him. I love him, my beloved child. 

I am so thankful for this opportunity to make this pilgrimage with Stephen. As he sleeps next to me....My beloved children. I delight in their presence. 

I am overwhelmed with a sense of joy.  

I AM

Mystery is often reduced to that which cannot be explained.

Mystery is not that which is unknown or unknowable.  Truth is mystery. The truth is at its essence mystery.

Truth is a knowable mystery if knowing is a glimpse of the essence of the mystery.  It remains mystery but true.

To trust this mystery is to know freedom. To know freedom is to know the depths of gratitude for life. To receive gratitude is to share its mysterious magnificence.

I AM 

"...is..."

"...is..."

Psalm 1:1

As I walked today I returned to Psalm 1 and made it all the way to the second word, "is" before I considered this word of being. 

My initial thought was simply that 'was' is past, 'will' is future and 'is' is the present. To be present now is to embrace the presence of the gift that simply is. The seat of possibility is right now. The shackles of the past are in the past and the future is unknown. We can, indeed we should learn from the past as the springboard into the possibility of the future by embracing the beautiful gift of the present.

I just walked by an old man sitting on a bench overlooking the Northwest Arm. He gave a warm smile and a hearty "Hello! What a beautiful day" as I walked by.

To be fully alive in the present is to be fully human. It is where humanity and the divine meet in the solitude of the present moment. It is where silence meets thunder. It is where the gentle breeze moves great mountains. The present humbly, persistently lures one into the Presence.

I thought about the fact that "is" is a verb. It is the third person singular present indicative of "be".  I find it very interesting that "be" is a verb, which, of course typically expresses an action, a state or a relation between two things.

When I consider the present as "is" I am considering that which is ultimately grounded in an action. I think, from an linguistics perspective ( maybe even an epistemological perspective) the verb "is" spans action and being by bringing us into relationship with that which ultimately is, the eternal reality of God who calls us into relationship in the space and time of now. Being is action. When I am present to the moment I am an actor in a relationship. My "is-ness" is not only found in this openness to the Presence of my being but is lured forth as an actor in space and time to do that which I know I must do. "Is" is not passive. To be is the seat of action. "To be" cannot be separated from "to do" for being is relationship, it rejoices in the other. Time and space all collapse in the present. To be is a sacramental calling to participate in relationship.

What a blessing to simply be...present...

Isaiah and Ashton know what it is like to simply "be"

Blessed

"Blessed..." Ps 1:1

Point Pleasant Park 12 May 2017 - Photo taken by Stephen Elford

In two weeks Stephen and I begin our Camino de Santiago in Saint Jean Pied de Port, France bound for Santiago. I admit to feeling a little under-prepared but time keeps marching on. It all feels a little surreal to me. My 12 year-old son and I are going to walk the Camino, an 800km trek across Spain! Am I crazy??

We have been walking regularly for the past few months although I admit that we were not as diligent at keeping our training program as I had hoped. Time keeps on marching on and whether ready or not soon we will be leaving.

I have been told there are two questions pilgrims ask one another along the Camino: "Where did you start?" and "Why are you waking?" I consider the latter question often. I thought about it before I purchased my tickets from Halifax to Paris. My answers have varied over the months but today I can confidently say that beyond having wanted to walk the Camino for years, I really have no idea why I am embarking on this adventure. I admit there is a deep desire in me to do it but I really don't know why. I think I am going to know, or at least get a knowing glimpse of the answer somewhere along the way. There is something I need to learn along the Camino and I think it will become clear when it needs to become clear. I am happy with that and step out in hope having no idea what it all means. 

I do have a bit of a spiritual plan to meditate on the psalms every day while walking. Tonight, while I was walking toward Point Pleasant Park I thought about beginning my reflection on the psalms now. So, I opened up the Bible to Psalm 1. It was a beautiful way to begin this Camino journey because had to read no further than the first word. The first word of the first psalm is "Blessed". I enjoyed considering how blessed I am to be on this journey..

"Blessed..." I am blessed to have this beautiful, fragile thing called life. To simply exist is a mysteriously beautiful gift to be embraced in all of its poverty and riches. Like anyone, when I think about the time, relationships and opportunities squandered - or at least not fully embraced over the years - I am able to learn and move forward in gratitude for more time to work it all out. More time to learn, more relationships to nourish and more opportunities to embrace.

I am blessed to have three dear, kind, loving, empathetic, sincere, beautiful children. I never knew how much capacity I had for love until I learned to be a father. I continue to learn how to be a father and I continue to deepen in love. 

I am blessed to have my marriage to Lindsay. I have learned about standing side-by-side by falling down. I have learned the strength of utter weakness and of hope that wells up like tears. Tears are sacred, cleansing messengers. Tears reveal a path of euphporic joy as well as the darkness of grief and pain. I have learned to trust the leading of tears as rivers of healing. I am blessed to have Lindsay as my wife. 

I am blessed to have the opportunity to make this Camino. That I am going with my son is an unspeakable joy to me. He is a kind boy. [insert tears of joy here]

I am blessed with enough doubt to have grown in faith in God that soothes every deep crevice of my body, mind and soul. I feel entirely free in my humanity because I know Christ and the deep intimacy of the loving otherness. It is all gift.

Stephen and I walked 15 km tonight. It feels good. I feel blessed. I feel grateful.